#65 Elf On A Shelf!

Don’t mind me with my pointy nose and sparkly, twinkly eyes and my Grinch Who Stole Christmas grin! I will sit here and collect December dust as I watch you make a mess in the living room. There is holiday wrapping paper all over the floor. Don’t worry, I won’t say a word about who gets what for you know what on Ho Ho Ho Day! I am very discreet and can keep any secret, but truthfully it is bad for you to rip off price tags with your teeth. Shelf Elves don’t have teeth but we know an accident waiting to happen when we see one!

Why did you move me into the den? I get dizzy in here. Remember I vomited candy cane juice all over your faux polar bear rug last year? You blamed the cat, but it was really me. I always get vertigo on the top of the bookshelf. The air is thin up here so don’t try to cure my altitude sickness with cocoa leaves. This isn’t Peru, silly! That’s right, I know about Peru because I came from South America. Please don’t deport me after Christmas!

Ho Ho Ho! I’m just kidding!

I’ll tell you what! Your 4-year-old just whispered an important secret into my pointy ear! You know, thinking I have a Santa connection and have spent some time at the North Pole with the other Shelf (and other variety) Elves. When I answered the poor little tyke, he got very upset. That’s why he screams whenever he sees me. Just to help you out, he wants a Pound Puppy Smart Phone, and a real puppy. It doesn’t have to be blue! ;-) You may not want to place me in his room at all. At least not for a few more years!

Just a word or two about Ms. Shelf Elf. She is smoking hot, and if you don’t want any baby Shelf Elves running around anytime soon, please do not sit us anywhere near each other. She would be much safer in the bathroom or kitchen. Her pointy red hat is jaunty and turns me on! That twinkle in her eye is just for me, so better play it safe!

Otherwise, all is fine here and I have a great view of your Christmas tree- and so does your cat; so you better check the  gifts to be sure she didn’t leave you an extra present! One more thing: I love the Seahawks, so if you wouldn’t mind pointing my head just a little bit more in the direction of the TV, that would be awesome!

Merry Christmas!