#66 Mortar, Pestle & Gingerbread Cookies.

You are so tired you cannot lift yourself up. It is as if your body is being ground to tiny bits like allspice and pepper corns with a mortar and pestle. The pestle is marble, or maybe it’s wood. Probably some sort of stone, because it only takes the force of one full fleshy hand to grind you into a fine brown powder. It doesn’t take long either.

But you smell like spices, good ones, and you will be added to the rest of the ingredients for cookie dough. You will blend in nicely with the butter, eggs, brown sugar and vanilla. You will smell wonderful all rolled out on a smooth wooden counter top and then a child will take a gingerbread man cookie cutter and cut you into many wonderful pieces. You will be placed on a cookie sheet and put into a dark oven and bake at 375 degrees for 12-15 minutes. Then, when completely cool, you will be decorated with raisins, icing and chocolate chips (for eyes so you can see).

Someone will place you on a tray decorated with green holly and red poinsettia leaves. It will be lined with aluminum foil to keep you from sliding off. Someone will bite your head off: followed by an arm and a leg.

They will smile.

You will be delicious and forget all about how exhausted you are.

#65 Elf On A Shelf!

Don’t mind me with my pointy nose and sparkly, twinkly eyes and my Grinch Who Stole Christmas grin! I will sit here and collect December dust as I watch you make a mess in the living room. There is holiday wrapping paper all over the floor. Don’t worry, I won’t say a word about who gets what for you know what on Ho Ho Ho Day! I am very discreet and can keep any secret, but truthfully it is bad for you to rip off price tags with your teeth. Shelf Elves don’t have teeth but we know an accident waiting to happen when we see one!

Why did you move me into the den? I get dizzy in here. Remember I vomited candy cane juice all over your faux polar bear rug last year? You blamed the cat, but it was really me. I always get vertigo on the top of the bookshelf. The air is thin up here so don’t try to cure my altitude sickness with cocoa leaves. This isn’t Peru, silly! That’s right, I know about Peru because I came from South America. Please don’t deport me after Christmas!

Ho Ho Ho! I’m just kidding!

I’ll tell you what! Your 4-year-old just whispered an important secret into my pointy ear! You know, thinking I have a Santa connection and have spent some time at the North Pole with the other Shelf (and other variety) Elves. When I answered the poor little tyke, he got very upset. That’s why he screams whenever he sees me. Just to help you out, he wants a Pound Puppy Smart Phone, and a real puppy. It doesn’t have to be blue! ;-) You may not want to place me in his room at all. At least not for a few more years!

Just a word or two about Ms. Shelf Elf. She is smoking hot, and if you don’t want any baby Shelf Elves running around anytime soon, please do not sit us anywhere near each other. She would be much safer in the bathroom or kitchen. Her pointy red hat is jaunty and turns me on! That twinkle in her eye is just for me, so better play it safe!

Otherwise, all is fine here and I have a great view of your Christmas tree- and so does your cat; so you better check the  gifts to be sure she didn’t leave you an extra present! One more thing: I love the Seahawks, so if you wouldn’t mind pointing my head just a little bit more in the direction of the TV, that would be awesome!

Merry Christmas!