#36 Yellow Lawn Mower, Mormon Friend and Kmart

I have a Mormon friend who is intrigued by my Jewishness. When we spend time together, not more than 5 hours will pass without a reference to Jews and Mormons. It goes like this:
“I once knew a Jewish person who had horns!”

And I counter:

“So how many wives ya got now, friend?”

Just some background: Our beautiful daughters were in pre-k together.

This is how odd fellows meet.

We un-friended each other on Facebook during the last presidential election and I am sure our friendship was saved by this mercenary act. I am so relieved, because we like each other so much more when we don’t know each other!

We are at the Sidney, New York Super Kmart and he decides to buy a lawnmower. The K-staff cannot locate the proper UPC code to scan the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Yellow Floor Model. My Mormon Friend and I sit on the summer lounge chairs (ea @$28) and wait for them to figure out how to scan the Mac and Cheese Mower into the system so my Mormon Pal can pay up. We are stationed in front of a plethora of meditative water ornaments, each priced at approximately $100.00 and fashioned out of "stone": Chinese Zen Mediation Waterfall style... to the Mickey Mouse Lawn Jockey ($169.95).

Made in China.

The world passes us with their carts filled with garden paraphernalia: wood chips, shovels, lawn statuary, tomato plants, pansies, wooden garden stakes and I spy my MF (Mormon Friend) eyeballing their mid-sections’ which resemble Yogi Bear.  I know how my MF feels about overweight Americans.

He tells me a joke: 

"What words won't a Jewish woman ever hear?"
"What?"
" 'Blue Light Special!'  Hahahahhahaha!"

We continue to watch the parade of humanity at the checkout. He glances over at me and I pretend not to look, because if I do, I will blurst out laughing and that would be so un-Christian, or un-Jewish of me. We wait until the staff hauls employee #3 to the register. He has short cropped hair and both ears are pierced and says into phone/loud speaker:

“MELISSA! PLEASE COME TO GARDEN.”

We smirk and wait to see who Melissa is.

She is wearing a black jean jacket and matching jeans with a smartphone tucked into her back pocket. She efficiently scans somethingorother and the proper total is up on the computer screen and my MF can swipe his credit card, when I scan a glance, so he will gather miles for this purchase.

Shop Smart at Kmart!

I pull the car up outside the exit and he hauls the boxed Mac & Cheese lawnmower into the rear of the car and we head to his house: a Victorian/Neo-Classical Mess Which Needs A Lot of Work. Undoubtedly, he will accomplish the work and will emerge victorious, and poor, in two to three decades.

I envision us, a few woodchucks, a bouquet of lilacs on a mahogany table in his formal living room in the next century. We will sip a flavored beverage, and admire his work.

Of course, politics are off the table.